you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How's work?
Spinning.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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