i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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