I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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