my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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