im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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