i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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