I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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