My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
