I will die if light touches me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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