she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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