this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
