Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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