I didn't shave. On purpose
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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