Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
