i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
