i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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