i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
