There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
