I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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