You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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