the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
