The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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