i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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