Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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