drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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