Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
