So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
