You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My vagina just recognized that song.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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