Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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