My boss' voice literally gives me gas
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
