hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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