Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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