saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
