I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
