Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I need to stop coming to work sober
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
