Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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