Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
