the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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