Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
