I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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