New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
