my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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