I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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