I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
