During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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