She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
nutella sex= disaster
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
