I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
