do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
