booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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