You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
