i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
