i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
