what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
pray to the hookup gods
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
