ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
