he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He did a backflip because drugs
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
