Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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