you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
