Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
